From tennis and from Roger. It’s not because of the Davis Cup, or because I’m disappointed or discouraged in any way by Swiss’s loss. I’m not,(well, a little bit, of course) if anything, I’m disappointed by not being able to see Roger in action. It’s technicality, really. After struggling for two nights to find a decent live-steam, only to be stuck with some power-point slideshow like broadcasting, yet still spent hour after hour breaking and reconnecting to the same sites over and over again, I have to admit, as I’ve known too well all along , that this is not healthy, or productive in anyway.
I don’t care if he loses as long as he plays, I will enjoy any match where he makes beautiful shots, which he’s always managed to do. And I’m such a passive and negative person, I’d assume a loss before any match…Even when he’s on a winning steak I’d always prepare myself for an upset at any point. I think that’s why in a way Roger would always surprise me and make me happy. But I’ve been relying on that too much.
In the last few months of 2011, he’s been magical, and he’s as pleasant as he could be when he’s winning. His wins would become the highlight of my day. Mainly because I don’t really have a life. I know that. But I do enjoy a good tennis match no matter who’s playing who. There is nothing wrong with finding passion in a sport.
But with Roger, I think I went a little bit too far. I’d develop all kinds of superstitious systems. Like, if he wears blue, he’ll win (actually it’s kind of true), and if he wears red, not so much, (see what happened at AO and DC?) And if I put his match into a certain live-score app, he’ll win, (The crazy thing is, it actually worked till last month..) But now when all systems fail, I have to accept that win or lose, he’s on his own. You win some, you lose some, that’s just life. And good things usually happen to him, bad things sometimes happen to him, but that has nothing, none, diddly-squat, nada, to do with me. LOL. Love is an OCD, and I need a cure.
That’s why I’ve decided a long time ago, that I should stay away from Roger and tennis for a while, at least stop following him match to match, and after AO I was so exhausted that I was resolute to do so, but it’s always like “one more match, one more win, then I’ll stop”. But when he kept winning, I just kept coming back for more. LOL. It has to stop at some point. Then again, if he loses, I’ll be like, well, I can’t leave him like THAT. Sure, if he had triumphed at DC I’d be happy and joyful, but I would not be content, I’ll just want more.And while playing tennis is his life, watching it doesn’t make mine. It comes with the territory, with all the time differences and lack of media coverage, surely you can’t follow every single match, even for one player, right? I don’t think even the most devoted fans can do that…But my problem is that I care too much, I read too much into his games, and that has to change, ‘cos relying on other people’s win to cheer you up is just avoiding making real efforts in life. That’s just escaping. And that is not fair to Roger, and it does nobody any good. LOL.
So yeah, I need to get a life and face its real problems head on, instead of using Roger as a distraction and mistake rooting for him as being a good fangirl when actually it’s just me being lazy…
That said, one thing I really want to say to Roger, not good byes, of course, I’d still read about him and get updates with his match results, but I need to stop wasting time battling poor net-connections or getting all anxious and worried about his matches, I need to just trust him and wish him well. But what I really want to say to him is that…”I was so alone, and I owe you so much.” So…One more miracle, please. Pretty pretty please?